Culture clash
There was a great story in one of the local newspapers about a Frenchman who came here to marry a Filipina. She told him the reception cost 100,000 pesos and he willingly gave her the money, only to later discover that the real cost was just 37,000. Refusing to marry a liar he called off the wedding and returned to Paris with his parents. But that was only after a nasty scene in which he had the help of the National Police to retrieve his passport from her house.
Are Filipinos deceitful? Of course they are, from our point of view. But not from their’s; it’s just part of the culture. To them it’s normal and expected; to us it’s a violation of the rules of basic human interaction.
When Filipinos speak of “my family” it does not include us as their mates and husbands. Their birth family has and always will have a Filipina’s primary loyalty. We foreigners exist only to aid her to help “her” family. Jane, the woman in the above story, saw an opportunity to spread around her good fortune in having snared a foreigner.
She may not have done this willingly, however. Even if she had felt some loyalty to her fiance she would not have been able to defy the wishes of her own family. Elders have a lot of power in this clan culture. A Filipina has no option but to obey the expectations of anyone older than her, not only her parents, but also her own elder brother, kuya, and elder sister, ate. Disobedience is not an option; if one of her elders suggested she inflate the price of the reception, then it was so. Period.
Another aspect of the local culture that we foreigners struggle with comprehending is the interior debt, utang na loob. Once a favor is accepted, the borrower assumes the role of inferior. It’s more than just lending money or an object; it’s about social status as well. Calling in the debt is then at the whim of the lender, and no matter how inconvenient the situation, saying no is not an option. Every kid in this country knows of cases where a student fails a test because a classmate, to whom utang na loob was owed, asked to borrow a textbook the night before the test.
The independent character which we westerners pride in ourselves, is not seen as worthy of emulation here. It’s in fact a pretty scary idea because it means being cut off from their extended family/clan/debt networks. Dependence is instead encouraged; it is a form of social security to Filipinos.
Filipinas are probably the sweetest and most beautiful women on the planet. That’s why we foreigners love ‘em. But they don’t, and indeed can’t because of cultural restraints, approach relationships with us on the terms we would expect. One time a girlfriend asked me for something and I suggested she ask her granddad; she replied she didn’t want to do that because she’d then have utang na loob with him. What this really meant was that we foreigners are not part of their culture and therefore repayment and, indeed gratitude, to us is neither expected nor given.
I have a foreign friend here who owns a business. He passed on to me a hilarious series of text messages he’d gotten from a Filipina he didn’t even know. She got his phone number from an ad for his business and began texting him repeatedly asking for 6000 pesos to pay her rent. This was not a request for a loan, nor was she offering anything in return; she was simply asking for money with the expectation that he’d give it. He received dozens of text messages over a two-day period, ending with one saying she’d been locked out of her apartment by the owner and begging my friend to send her money by Western Union.
One time I met a girl here who seemed nice so we exchanged phone numbers. A few days later I got a text message from her saying simply “Give me load”. Assuming that she forgot to add the word “please” to her message, I did send a modest amount, 30 pesos I think, to her cell phone account to test her. I waited patiently for a half hour without getting a thank you but I finally sent a nasty message about basic courtesy when requesting and receiving gifts.
I thought that my angry diatribe would put an end to further requests but over the next few days she sent a few more messages. I ignored them until, confused and exasperated, I sent her a message asking what she really wants from me: friendship, marriage, or just money. She didn’t even have the intelligence to lie to me; she simply said “money”.
We foreigners are merely the well from which Filipinos draw money. . . errr. . .water. We are not part of their clans nor do they want us to be part of them. We who live here have learned to enjoy relationships with them while recognizing that’s just how they are. That poor Frenchman, however, learned his lesson in an all too accelerated and expensive manner.
Phil said,
June 23, 2007 at 11:05 am
This “clash” of cultures you describe is very apparent to those of us living here. What I find humorously interesting is the attitude of those Pinoys who have gone to live in the States and then return for visits. Regardless of their age or the status they had in the family BEFORE they left for abroad, once they’ve “made it” and come back, they take on a whole new “higher level” of status and “respect” from the family. Indeed, they are treated and they act like visiting dignitaries. When I first observed this as a husband tagging along with my first wife, I just thought everyone was just “being nice.” But after a couple years , I figured out what you have figured out. For most Americans its a very difficult concept to absorb. Typically, we just assume EVERYONE thinks like we do–a classic American mistake, perhaps one we are making in Iraq and other places today on the international scale.
opass said,
June 23, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Yes, I know what you mean. I witnessed that as well. An American friend of mine is married to a Filipina and living in the US. They returned here two years ago and invited me to Mindanao where her family lives. This silly little twit who’s a security guard making $9.00 and hour was actually holding court there in her mother’s house, sitting in the center of the room on the biggest chair in the house, surrounded by balikbayan boxes, and neighbors and relatives lined up to each receive their gift from America. I mean it was surreal, something like I’d have imagined in an 18th century European palace.
Phil said,
June 23, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Yup, that’s exactly what I saw, right down to the balikbayan boxes. Can you imagine the pressure on the average returnee who must FEEL beholden to bring back stuff on every trip home to the Phils? Well, I do, sort of; since both my wives went through the same thing on every return. Its so much easier to be an American, isn’t it? ….grin…. I wonder if this sort of “give me” attitude would eventually disappear if the country ever got its economic legs under it. I think so….
œ Crux' said,
July 15, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Interesting blog you have here, being born and raised in Sweden with parents originally from the Philippines. I can only concur with whats being said here.The day the worship mentality ends (The upper class & foreign symptom) is when the Filipinos will evolve for the better.
Kate said,
September 18, 2007 at 2:28 am
I totally understand where your ideas of Filipinos are coming from… but do not stereotype that all Filipinos are the same. “We foreigners are merely the well from which Filipinos draw money” It will be better if you add “some” Filipinos… I am a Filipina but I am definitely not like that! Not my family and not my friends. I’ve only seen that kind of Filipinos in movies but not in my life. I think what you are encountering here are some Filipinos who do not have money and therefore sees foreigners as an opportunity to get ahead in life. It will be hard to find Filipinos who are not like this because these Filipinos are not interested at foreigners. They have a great life and therefore do not need anyones money to survive.
Hojo said,
September 19, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Many of the ‘older’ filipinas are not this way and can still be genuine…But honestly, dont act like a green traveler and expect to find some beautiful woman who is this way. Filipinas only know one thing, they want your money. They are survivalists to the extreme and will do anything to get what they want. From sex to blackmail to outright theft. The younger generation understands that they can string along a clueless foreigner who they met online and still get money out of them, in addition to computers, cellphones, etc. If you go into any filipino chat room and start talking to one, you will get a nice chat at first…then maybe 2nd or 3rd time you talk they start saying ‘oh my cellphone broke, or cannot pay rent, or mom is sick and needs medicine’…Lol. This is the typical new filipina. I wonder what the generation coming up after them feels. Yes they can be lovely women, yes they can be fun in bed…But you really have to be a well traveled and ’seasoned vet’ to be able to handle one of them…and even then its you that will still be handled.
opass said,
September 20, 2007 at 9:49 am
Thanks for your comments Kate and Hojo. I’ve been traveling so much these past weeks I’d been neglecting this blog. You are right, Kate, in saying that I should be more careful about usage. It’s true of course that not all Filipinas are that way. Hojo, yes I agree with you; some of them (being more careful this time) expend so much energy in conniving. When I travel I often go to netcafes and see Filipinas chatting up many foreigners at the same time. They will have several Yahoo Messenger windows on screen at the same time, and each of those poor saps probably thinks he’s the only one.
krystel said,
December 3, 2008 at 7:40 am
This blog has highlighted situations that many foreigners experience when getting into relationships with Filipinos. I’m a female of British nationality, born in England, but my parents are from the Philippines. I’ve recently came back from a vacating in Philippines and got together with a Filipino who I knew from my family relations and past vacations there.
After having serious problems with him deceitfully lying to me for his own financial gain I ended the relationship. I find it awful that there seems to be acceptance within the Filipino culture to emotionally manipulate foreigners, to help them and there family economically. I know many more situations were this is the case.
However it’s important to understand their reasons behind why they do it. The country is very poor and they live within deprived circumstances, which would drive anyone to use desperate means of survival. Then they’re taught to view foreigners as rich people because they holiday over in Philippines spending loads of money and can afford everything. But this stereotype of the foreigners allows them to overlook that fact that they’re able to afford a lot because the countries their from, have a stronger currency and people in fact save loads of money in order to spend loads on holiday. Plus, as in most third world countries their dreams are to go abroad, hooking up with a foreigner is their ticket out.
So advice to those looking for relationships in the Philippines, ask the question ‘what are there true motives’ 90% of the time is not real love, or they’ll eventually learn how to love you.
Gay Filipinos « opass said,
March 13, 2009 at 8:46 am
[...] wrote in a previous entry about how deceitful Filipinas are and this trait is apparently amplified in the baklas, the pseudo [...]
Bryan said,
March 21, 2009 at 2:00 am
You know – Filipinos are the happiest, and nicest people I’ve run in to so far. However, I must unfortunately agree, honesty is just not part of the fiber of the land. Really, this is the only thing I can say bad about the culture, people, or the country. I live in the US and have visited 3 different times and each time I get the same vibe. Never listen to what you’re told. One side note, however, or a request. If you’re an expat please, I’m begging, PLEASE, do your country justice and act with respect. It was sickening to watch the American, Aussie, European, and other travelers make an ass out of the themselves and their flag by the way they acted. Maybe if we truly want to be looked at with respect and as people, then maybe we shouldn’t flash around money, wear the gold jewerly, or be “Too Good” to respect to people. I can’t tell you how many bar-girls I saw un-willingly groped by an expat. What would happen to you if you did that in your country? Did you happen to notice – NONE OF THESE GIRLS ARE SMILING. It’s a job for them and a way for them to provide for their familys. I think we should be thankful for what we have, and that our mothers, sisters, and daughters don’t have to do this for a living. But, to get back on task, I adore the Philippines, and it’s people. However, if you’re new to the Philippine experience then listen to the post here, it will do you justice in the end.
Mark McGreevy said,
December 30, 2009 at 6:27 am
No one needs to fly to 7000 corrupt islands to learn what is written here. A few months’ stay in the San Francisco Bay Area, especially working in a hospital with immigrant Philippinos, is more than painful lesson enough. Their lying and obfuscation in the simplest of circumstances is enough to make a patient or coworker feel he is being branded with a high iron. Their continous fake smiles turn up the heat of their searing deceit. Most people who use Kaiser as their HMO will HANG UP if a Tagolog-voice answers, hoping to ring again and get a normal American, or at least a non-liar. “Is the doctor in now?” you can ask. “No, he is out all day today, “says the liar. “I have an appointment with him in 20 minutes, and I am just calling to say I am running late. But you say he is not there?” “Oh, here he is now! Just coming in!” NOW THAT IS A KAISER FLIP real conversation, and it summarizes their mentality in a nutshell. Lie for the sake of driving others nuts, is that it? What IS the purpose of these endless lies?